The author has explained very well, taking from the recent researches in affective neuroscience how our emotional life ans its difficulties are controlled by our brain circuits. The way Amygdala (part of brain which is involved in emotional processing and is common to all animals) works and how it high jacks the thinking part of the brain when under emotional stress or trauma, or just a perception (or misperception) of it.
It further gives step by step process how to help people, using the latest researches in brain behavior researches. That gives a lot of hope!!
They have also given 5 prerequisites for relationship success and ten habits that enable partners to meet them.
FOR MANAGING CONFLICT INEVITABLE IN ANY RELATIONSHIP
Have a soft start-up and don't talk down your partners by----
Habit 1: avoiding a judgemental attitude
Habit 2: Standing up for yourself without putting your partner down
Accept other's influence (There is evidence that although wives tend to begin complaints more harshly than husbands, husbands are generally less willing than wives to accept influence. Research further shows that the willingness of husbands to accept influence alone predicted marital success 80% of the time (Gottman 1999, 2002).
Habit 3: finding the understandable part
Habit 4: Giving equal regard
Habit 5: offering assurances
Respecting your partner's dreams; holding on to your own... thru
Habit 6: Understanding and Explaining what is at stake
CONNECTING DURING NON-CONFLICT TIMES
Five positive for every negative
Habit 7: Curiosity about your partner's world
Habit 8: Keeping sight of the positive
Habit 9: Pursuing shared meaning
Habit 10: Making and responding to bids for connection.
That seems to be easy at first thought but doesn't work when we are upset, angry, hurt or fearful about losing the person or her/his love.....and here comes the therapeutic work which is working with that part of the brain which is in between the emotional and thinking parts so as to make a better connection easier by changing our emotional response patterns.
Well, coming back to my dream.
Seeing so many people around and so much of emotional, sexual, physical violence and abuse it seems to be one of the most compelling work needed. Whatever is possible and where ever possible, especially i wish to do so in the Hindi belt where i have seen children growing up into a feudal culture and no matter how intellectual they are, falling back into same patterns of feudal mentality when in a conflict.
I am aware of the difficulties in the way, but i am aware there is a meaning in such work... I wish it will happen one day.
I dream of a changed inner world of people, more harmonious and beautiful!!