Saturday, September 13, 2008
She was embarrassed! Replied, it is not so...but...
As an after thought she shyly added, ........"Well, after a point of time in life, there has been some weird kind of abundance"
'Men of all kinds have shown interest, spoke of love and marriage, at times beyond these boundaries ...
May be, something in my wildness and free spirit attracts few men enough to appreciate me and challanges them enough to try to "Tame" me?'
Her response made me think about it all! I know her for quite sometime.... i also know she likes to care, sometimes cares too much to know her own needs, sometimes cares too much so as not to get abandoned, or left alone...sometimes it is a very genuine altruistic act and feeling....whatever the general effect is- it exhausts her. Leaves little energy to do things she can!
She seems to be suffering from 'empathy sickness'. A disease cursed upon many women!
In this process she has got into major troubles in life. She will care for all.... so, people who have treated her like doormat too will return back, when they need affectionate care, without much cost. And she will still care...and care for more than one or more than her capacities at any point of time...And intelligent she is, she also will keep questioning what she is doing in the name of love, and love itself!
I didn't have many answers to her questions about the nature of love and relationships..... which she herself has not read or thought about... It makes me look at what exactly is this elusive emotion??
'Adaptive Answers' at every level of intellegence and thinking crops up, but are not really sustained by experiences ... mine and everyone else!
I was hearing few sufi songs and was stuck with the plain simple understanding of love in this song (for divine beloved ..still!) loosely translated as - i got myself ready and went to meet my beloved but when i saw my beloved i forgot myself...
It is same as Kabira says..."prem gali ati saankari, ja mein do na samaye.."
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Monday, August 25, 2008
some men's' love last a life time,
and i haven't met any.
some men's' love last only their erection,
and i have met many...
Shocked me... pained me and then i thought of dear old Dorothy Parker and her poems. so many women have similar sentiments but only some chisel their thoughts into poetry or chunk them into sentences and put in the sun to dry... some sarcasm tastes delicious. Here are some from this lady's poetries...
...this first one has remained in my memory for years and i like it best..read this and then go further:)
By the time you swear you're his,
Shivering and sighing,
And he vows his passion is
Infinite, undying -
Lady, make a note of this:
One of you is lying.
Some men break your heart in two,
Some men fawn and flatter,
Some men never look at you;
And that cleans up the matter.
...It were a sweet and gallant pain
To be a sea apart;
But, oh, to have you down the lane
Is bitter to my heart.
I saw my dear, the other day,
Beside a flowering wall;
And this was all I had to say:
"I thought that he was tall!"
My heart went fluttering with fear
Lest you should go, and leave me here
...Ah, clear they see and true they say
That one shall weep, and one shall stray
For such is Love's unvarying law....
I never thought, I never saw
That I should be the first to go;
How pleasant that it happened so!
To you, who never begged me vows or verse,
My gift shall be my absence, while I live;
But after that, my dear, I cannot swear.
...I think, no matter where you be,
You'll hold me in your memory
And keep my image, there without me,
By telling later loves about me.
Star, that gives a gracious dole,
What am I to choose?
Oh, will it be a shriven soul,
Shall I wish a wedding-ring,
Bright and thin and round,
Or beg I hate forevermore
A pair of lying lips?
My only wish I dare not say-
Lest you should grant me him.
In youth, it was a way I had
To do my best to please,
And change, with every passing lad,
To suit his theories.
But now I know the things I know,
And do the things I do;
And if you do not like me so,
To hell, my love, with you!
Friday, August 22, 2008
it doesn't want to win a war
nor to do negotiations
about the worth of a relationship
It remains quiet
For it loses itself
when translated into unfamiliar languages
of mind and logic
Grief has always remained alone
Its path a solitary one
where weary heart
finds only one companion
which walks together
without saying a word!
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
1. Weddings are too expensive.
The billions of dollars spent on weddings could be put to better use.
2. Weddings take too much planning and are too stressful.
Imagine what social miracles we could create if we channelled all that energy and brainpower into efforts for world peace.
3. Divorce is expensive, messy and painful.
Without marriage, people wouldn’t need divorce. They could simply break up and get on with their lives.
4. Marriage once managed important legal and social issues, such as the perpetuation of the species, the granting of property rights and the protection of bloodlines.
Our legal system now handles these issues. Women no longer need marriage for monetary support and most men know how to cook and do laundry.
5. Marriage is too limiting.
You can only be married to one person at a time.
6. Marriage is unnecessary for effective child rearing.
Raising a child can be done by one or two or more committed people in any form of relationship.
7. Marriage glorifies the romantic myth, an unrealistic and impossible idealization of relationship.
8. Married people are allowed over 2700 financial and social benefits that unmarried people are denied.
The elimination of marriage would help create a fairer, more just society.
9. The separation of church and state is a good thing.
The separation of relationships and state is an even better thing.
10. On a spiritual level all relationships are eternal; therefore marriage is redundant.
Monday, July 28, 2008
...but I had this politically incorrect habit of not noting the names of the poets and now when I have to quote them somewhere I am in an embarrassing position.
So sorry all, for i am quoting few poems here without the names of the original poets... Sorry once again!
The pen stood poised,
Waiting for the pressure
The sheet lay ahead
The memory of past triumphs
Of battles fought
And pages filled
Flitted around it.
The art of articulation
was always a struggle
But when did it become
Images, metaphors, Similes,
What of them?
Words can now only
Be strung spluttering, muttering
But never speaking.
A walk through the streets
Or an afternoon in the sun
A night of passion
Or a day of boredom
All lost Lost
in an expanse
Of the white blinding light
From an unwritten sheet!
Just because i asked a friend about him
Just because i spoke his name somewhere
Just because i rang his number by mistake today
He thinks i still care.
Just because i haunt the same old places
where the memory of him lingers everywhere
Just because i am not the happy girl i used to be,
He thinks i still care.
You'll never recognise the room
The pictures all have different frames now.
And all the chairs are rearranged now.
Somewhere, I have thrown out every souvenir
Yes, there've been changes made Since you stayed here.
Two unnamed poems I think from Linda Goodmen's book...
The odd-shaped things i saved-
that smell, and feel of us...
a crumpled book of matches from the pizza place
some wilted flowers picked outside the door
you could not enter.
a bleached and crooked twig
washed ashore at that spot on the sand
where you first said you were lonely
and surprised me into tears.
A hotel room key stuffed inside an airline ticked envelop
...i guess you saved the bird verse
and the memory of my last smile...
They take so little in your scrapbook.
Your icy voice put out the stars
it cracked, my heart and broke it in splinters
your tone as cold as Colorado winters
but I promise to soon forget
the contract we almost made... you'll feel
the swift response of an equal,
as the dream begins to fade,
I'll drown you in pseudo-kindness
and a casual friendly glance
I can almost imagine your blindness
as i watch and wait
for the chance
to suddenly- cruelly- make you know
how easy it was to let you go.
I looked for you
In the depths of wind swept valleys
In the mist of silent nights
In the corner of my favourite room
In the colours of gossamer kites
You sit there opposite me
Smile, talk, Laugh, Live
you are there, flesh and blood.
And I still look for you,
In the squares of crosswords,
In fine prints on snow white pages
In the deep lines of my palm
In dreams of our future and long gone ages.
You are at my elbow, in front of me,
I cannot see you, or know you.
The years together have made a stranger of you.
Last night the wind
had stories to narrate.
As man and dogs howled in wilderness
I paid obeisance to it
And lifted a prayer out of hurts.
The wounds are still cut deep, Lord.
No bleeding but unhealing, unquiet
I know you understand as
Solitude is religion, Godly
In winter time what can I offer
What oblations, our penitential guilt
Reeks of silence like clouded mists
Like those tall trees standing
Amidst earthly wonders, amidst despair.
Lord, let spring time arrive and our smiles
will conflagrate as an orange sunset.
Path of Love
Let's find out
A path of
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Friday, April 18, 2008
Thursday, April 17, 2008
2) Still I Rise
3) When You Come
4) Woman Work
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
or try to completely get it out of my body, for some time.... at the behest of friends who try to talk it out of u and then like an affectionate mother speak of birds and stories and everything which is supposed to be talked to talk a child out of her fancy ....
Should I write now and postpone the plan to elope away from life and the dryland later....??? ...to a time much later in future.. when there will be no more concerns of greying hair, for we will be celebrating the silver hairs and retirements.
While i didn't give promises ( i don't believe on them)to freinds, i told, i will wait till i can...till i can go on and on...and till that nasty bird and my big boss gives me permission to GO.... take a never ending vacation from this world....
sorry folks... i had to write this disclaimer, for the grasses (pun intended) and trees and every flowing intoxicating stream is sending the inner cloud-messenger every day.. reminding me of that long forgotten love story.... of Krishna and his river and his hills and village....and of snow white palaces of Gods...
well....I might go off any day:)
love to a world, which i touched and which touched me by glances... and we quitely passed each other, and let go.....for our destinations are different!
of things i have never seen, never touched, but heard their whisper saying they are mine, they are of this world, they are of every one who can claim courage to be a little intoxicated with madness....
of poetry, of prose and the muse behind a veil, changing every moment, waiting to be unveiled and explored in the light of soul not the light of words....
of floating music in the background which never breaks a fragile thread of thought.... of how to preen one's feathers and regain the courage to fly out in the open, in a sometimes hostile sometime adoring world... of seasons gone by and spread of insanity in blood, a poison which transforms and makes one a king and a monk.... of breathing time in and out of one's limbs, one's body.... of looking at burning sky with flames of sun, of silky moonbeam kissing one's closed eyes and waking up into a dream....
of dance of the spirit with a feathery touch of long forgotten memory, out of a much loved story.... of some strokes of pencil about that little fairy-land where one used to have a home....
of some deep sadness which someday flows in veins... of something said and some things never said... of days which brings joys of playful puppies and bird bath, and none.....
of faith, of hope, of love, of betrayal, of hatred and of every thing worth living and dying for..... of being distant with everyone, and close to none....
of women who put kajal in tear stained eyes when the guests are at the gate... of women being restricted to go out in woods, to lie upon the naked body of mother earth.... of killing of bodies to killing of mind, of raping the life to raping the soul.... of occupation of people and of countries.... of intimate violence, of manipulation and subjugation.... of world with big issues and individual lives.... of tiny little angels and Gods to whom every little cloud of prayer rise and reach......
of every thing and nothing.....of myself and you and neighbours, to city-mates and that funny creature i met on my way, and ..... an idea which clinged to my neck till i died .....
of a time to act insane in a crazy crazy world------let me GO, let me BE, let me.... let me...
Saturday, April 12, 2008
First hand narratives of Islamic Feminist Jehad- a revolution and about Taliban (believer or enemy)
Well, how about a bit of Hindu and Tantrik Feminism?
Wow! A Hindu Feminist Wedding Ceremony... and its vows compiled by the couple themselves!
Saturday, April 5, 2008
Recently I have been going from books to books and feeling thrilled and excited, whenever I feel deeply connected with any idea. Few days back I got to lay my hands on an old collection of mine, which was 'almost lost'(and I had grieved over it). So my routine is spiced up with the added ritual of holding the books closely, dusting them, flipping through the pages and rereading my favourite parts here and there ...........I almost get the feeling of meeting an old lover.
One of my evergreen favourite is Fritjof Capra's 'Uncommon Wisdom- Conversations with extraordinary people'. While the warm portrayals of extra-ordinary people is inspiring, it also gives me a feeling of accepting the world around with loving indulgence (like you get while reading Mahadevi Verma's Path ke Sathi). There is also this added 'hair raising sensation' of being touched at the level of intellect and spirit, when it talks deeply and passionately in first person of spirituality, psychology, feminism, environment, society and science. I remember how profoundly it affected my concept of God at the emotional level, when I first read it. I can relive that moment of reading about dance of particles....Dance of Shiva.
The other books are Divine Romance, and some of my favourite poetry books....still leafing through them....
Meanwhile, this journey took me back to rereading another old favourite- 'Voices of Feminist Therapy' (Ed: Elizabeth Friar Williams). I would like to quote some thing from that book, which clarifies my stance towards my profession.....As I say, I am what I believe in...
"My role as a therapist is a multiple one: I am a facilitator, teacher, consciousness raiser, information provider, role model, translator etc. Therapy involves enabling (through facilitation) a person to be who they are rather than who they should be as defined by others and society. It involves helping a person to make choices and feel in control of her or his life. Each person's life is an adaptation that makes sense. By my validating where a person is in their life, it frees that person to remain the same or to change. We grow if we have options. If we are forced to defend our position we can get caught in that and don't have the freedom or energy to see other possibilities. Part of this process involves helping an individual get in touch with her or his feelings, needs and values."---Barbara E. Sang
Friday, March 21, 2008
For letting me live,
I bid you live
in a manner as never before.
Remember, there is only one question
worth asking fair maiden,
And so she went back to her village,
happy to still have her life.
And this time as they said,
'Just stay here and be my bride',
or 'Do as I tell you',
or Say as i want you to say,
and remain as unwritten upon
as the day you came',
she held up the wolf's eyelash
and peered through
and saw their motives
as she had not seen them before.
And the next time
the butcher weighed the meat
she looked through her wolf's eyelash
and saw that he weighed his thumb too.
And she looked at her suitor
who said 'I am so good for you'
and she saw that her suitor
was so good for exactly nothing.
And in this way and more,
she was saved,
from not all,
but from many,
And she saw those who were truly kind
and went near to them,
she found her mate
and stayed all the days of her life,
she discerned the brave
and came close to them,
she apprehended the faithful
and joined with them,
she saw bewilderment under anger
and hastened to sooth it,
she saw love in the eyes of the shy
and reached out to them,
she saw suffering in the stiff-lipped
and courted their laughter,
she saw need in the man with no words
and spoke for him,
she saw faith deep in the woman
who said she had none,
and rekindled hers from her own.
she saw all things
with her lash of wolf,
all things true,
and all things false,
all things turning against life
and all things turning toward life,
all things seen only
through the eyes of that
which weighs the heart with heart,
and not with mind alone.
This is how she learned that it is true what they say, that the wolf is the wisest of all. If you listen closely, the wolf in its howling is always asking the most important question- not where is the next food, not where is the next fight, not where is the next dance?-
but the most important question
in order to see into and behind,
to weigh the value of all that lives,
Where is the soul?
Go out in the woods, go out. If you don't go out in the woods, nothing will ever happen and your life will never begin.
Go out in the woods,
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Thursday, February 21, 2008
This post comes with a disclaimer: Every person, place and event mentioned in this blog might be fictional, any similarity with real version might be co-incidental .....and every thing you read might be an illusion. mutually created!
:) now with this go on to read.....
I feel like starting with "Once upon a time". But then this is no fairy tale....
Still, long time back in 2000, i joined Tata Motors (then Tata Engineering) as a Management Trainee few days after my Masters in Psychology with an activist bend of mind.
Something was wrong from the start it seemed. And the full realisation is yet to come....
I was not prepared, for a shock of a completely different culture. A professional and engineering cuture.
I never grew up with men and engineers around me and here they were, far too many. A hostel (called Engineer's Hall) full of almost 120 or more young men, beeming with their engineering degrees from best institutions of the country and only 6 young women, out of which only 2 from social science background.
Every one had to adjust it seems some more than others. ( I remember or replay events in my mind...)
Over the time, over the years, most of the 'batch' (almost college like) moved out... some for higher studies and others lured by software industries... And i kept having my own group of friends and may be admirers ... like all other women there (no one can help it in such a scenario....nothing to my credit!!). Well that story some other day.
As the things started settling .... a seeming arrogant stranger offered his friendship and not only we really became very good friends, but I also was initiated into the boys gang (Almost!). I lived those late night ‘addas’ discussing every thing from personal lives to professional dreams, demonstrating planchit (which i never did after that)…. vivid images!
Then... one day, I found presence of a serious misunderstanding between us and the resulting events lead to one of the biggest crisis of my life, which took years….. to resolve.
Only my further training in my field brought some sense of understanding for me...it was a breakdown of 'reality perception and interpretation' on the other person's part ….
Gradually some sense of resolution on an individual basis came. Joint resolution came, a bit later, years later, that too not full, still it came!
But in others' memories, often only the darkness survives.
As they say, Asian cultures have an inherent dialectical ways of interpretation, i too looked at what good came out of it...i was woken up to reality, gained some life long friends having pure, complete faith in me (? soul level connections), learned about mob reactions of people living in close vicinity and ...I learned how society matters less and less many times and how to survive opinion of majority (which sometimes becomes curse in democracy and collectivist cultures).
I survived it all and went on to have my own moments of fame somewhat in the city's cultural life.
Meanwhile, me and my friend moved on in our respective fields, moved away from the common organization, city, country, continent and even started losing touch with common friends. For myself, I had picked up more troubles while walking on my life path. And learned my own lessons intensely.
There is no experience like a first hand trouble :)
After distances of time and space, suddenly yesterday we got in touch after seeing each other in dreams, especially when he is quite unwell. And pat came his explanation, 'past life connections'.
I raise my palm to heaven and say 'I believe'!
...Finding presence of deep connections with another human being is really a humbling experience for me. It suddenly makes me feel how much meaning there is to each event in life and each interaction. As if every thing fits well in the grand architecture of the existence, while we groop with the meaning of the every day happenings and pains.
I have often struggled to keep this view point and save it from the attacks of significant others, who take it as boundary violation of the spheres of concrete or socially constructed reality. While I try, I have not converted many to my point of view…except those who always had that insight waiting to be explored...
This reminds me of the beautiful poem which runs shivers down my spine, every time I read it….I love it, I believe in it and will continue to do so...no matter extra troubles in life :)
'No man is an island' (by John Donne)
No man is an island entire of itself; every man
is a piece of the continent, a part of the main;
if a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe
is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as
well as any manner of thy friends or of thine
own were; any man's death diminishes me,
because I am involved in mankind.
And therefore never send to know for whom
the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
So today even with lot of time constraints, i wish to write some random thoughts about a film fest i attended. Many films were there and as it happens in any concurrent session, we have difficulty in choosing what to go for. I too had. The ones I saw were more about relationships with oneself and others.
While there was one with lot of psychoanalytic content, I would find it difficult to explain here.
About others, one was 'Sancharam' on love ( which seems so natural) of two women (who grow up together) for each other, portrayed beautifully.
Another was 'Yugant' about a couple meeting after estrangement of 18 months (but the looks seemed otherwise) and trying to work out the marriage. But the wife's devotion for dance as an art form was much more than a normal marraige can hold and she had to fly away. While the husband himself into a creative field had his own inner growth chart and they remain like the railway track, somewhere near but not together.
The third was 'Persona' a difficult movie about masks we wear and how it all effects us....
(Clearly you can see, I am having difficulty talking about the movies as each of them have so many layers and i can't write here all. So I am just picking up few small points....)
The discussions after the movies had an interesting trend. The difficult movies were very well understood and layers of it analysed. But when it comes to something so near, so homely as a relationship, people really have difficulty to leave a cliched way of looking at it.
One comment came about homosexuality as sin and deserving to be treated (by whom?? psychotherapists are ethically not supposed to treat it as an illness now. Therapy is only about coming to terms with the situation one way or other, as per the values of the person).
Another i heard in the corridors (by a supposed intellectual), about how women run away if pursued...???
Many people are so very comfortable with the cliched ideas!!
Also, i was wondering how difficult it is to have or to really appreciate 'love' for an individual or for something larger as an art form or sea or may be people .....
My favourite moment was when Rupa Ganguli (in movie yugant) dances on the beach, to the sound of waves, explaining her lover what sea talks to her, what deep secrets sea tells her....
Tell me what!!
Friday, February 8, 2008
Going over it again, reminded me of the saying that we write/say, what we ourselves too need to know. Or may be, need to put it in more concrete form and give it words.
We touched so many of the issues of growing up...
of occupational hazards of our unique profession...
reassuring ourselves out of fears of having one way intimacy (where others seek us out to become their therapist or psychologists and not as a person)
of not dismissing our own expereinces by thinking some phenomenas exclusive to those studying psychology....
of how when we are feeling so alone, we can do something about it. Look at it from the lens of other people-related researchers in the fields of social work, sociology, activism, and other fields of humanities and even arts and literature. May be also widen our values, commitments and agendas...
Of Social questions ....
of being 'strong girl children' of our parents in a society where our generation of women (after being lucky enough to survive) are trying to prove their worth... and it becomes an extra burden. The glass ceiling comes at times, not in concrete form but in the attititudes of loved ones..
of negotiating life decisions so as not to hurt loved ones and carry its guilt (the launching out guilt) but also not to hurt ourselves by living a suffocating life with those values which our minds reject. An inevitable phenomena which we take years to out grow and many never do :(
of having or not having the picture perfect childhood, adolescence or youth.....and questioning who painted those perfect pictures for us to add it to our wish list. I like the not so perfect ones, for then there is a lot of scope to grow. We have saved enough within to last long and not to end up into a sick life, career and relationship to be doomed forever??
of people who treat others as objects of their gratifications, stripped of any dignity and deserved respect...
of questioning our feminity ....have we become so androgynous to miss the feminine goodies in life? or is it a bargain or are we finding it difficult to bring a balance and confidence about it... About why this question?
about how finding people like us gives so much of courage ....and inspirations too...
And spiritually ...
About how most of us dislike introspection for it might disrupt our sense of comfort. And thus how difficult it becomes, to strip out the layers of false existence stuck upon us since long growing up years....we have to first fight with different parts within us.
And beyond all this, having a life of pain and living it to the full. May be celebrate it and still not seem like having some kind of psychopathology :)
Do we have problem? or is it about the way world functions. In the name of acceptance, people stop for too little too early in life and restructure their cognitions around it.
But if we stop, will we be happy? no that is not the perfect lives for us, we will get bored to death with the sense of meaninglessness and walk out in one way or other some day.
But then there is no choice! No salvation out of this mess!! ...human birth, now i know more experientially, what buddha meant. The way out we have to learn experientially too.
It is never easy... that is the biggest challange. and the universe sustains on this play / interaction of lessons and our individual and collective limitations. If we look around we will find same story in diferent ways.
But i think it is a really good that we are facing such crisis. and some days one walk out of it and look as an observer, how imp. and meaningful these struggles are.
Is there anything else of more worthy to take birth on this earth. The pain and the struggle is the only thing.... the smooth ride periods are only the reinforcement to carry on. The day challanges are over we will merge in god?? or god would have given up on us??
Sunday, January 27, 2008
when we share the same time and the same space with another.
We share the same perspective,
when we share the same reality and the same viewpoint on life.
Similar realities occur when we share the same perspective.
We share the same perspective as another,
when our paths cross co-incidentally.
When our paths cross at the same time and in the same place, our realities concur.
This is a divine place to be,
as Space-Time-Reality are all shared together as one experience.
As time passes and we continue on our path, we may stay in time with our partner and share the same space
but our realities will change as we hold differing perspectives.
Thus, begins the conflict of partnership,
to see whose reality is true and right for both parties.
We realise that,
we can share our partner's perspective and share our perspective with our partner,
when we know that perspective is unique, individual and exclusive to our presence on our path.
We can share our partner's perspective.
without following our partner's path,
and they can share our perspective and remain on their path.
This is being expansive in Separate Togetherness
(A friend's contribution)
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
not only this lovely article (by the person I was following on internet after attending her lectures) about stars in the world and (on zameen:) but also many more..
explore for yourself.