Friday, April 30, 2010

A trip to Delhi

A short work related invited trip to Delhi reminded me of so many things... like Bangalore makes one unlivable for any other place, almost!!! The aerial look of north soil was so pale, with a feeling of dry harshness and when it neared down south, it was so very warm red!!!

Went there after almost 2 years (or was it 3;).
Last time too it was mainly work, but so many things changed for me... so many people have moved out of that city, out of my life. So many perspectives have changed for good, I have gained so much more confidence and clarity about my life stances.

This time, was able to tell someone (who has seen me growing up as an awkward child), that I don't need your (conditional) validation, I'm good enough!!!
Hmm... know it was slightly rude, but then I have realised over time that for many, people's growth, inner or outer seems curiously uncomfortable, for they still see them as their old selves, the same shy child, awkward adolescent...
The shocked surprise on their faces, that silence speaks loudly... how did this happen, this is too good for you, you don't deserve this!!! So many growing up years are marred with these experiences... so many I know...

Well...umm... in my case I don't know what to say, except that, I don't need to keep proving myself !!! :)

Thursday, April 8, 2010


Taking small solitary steps,
They parted pathways

He kept walking, not lost,
But directionless.

Exhausted, she stopped to feel, that
Growing darkness, gnawing her innards
Feeding on her life.

Voicelesness, wept loudly.
 A pregnant pause
Abort it

Crack open,
Make road for 
Life & light.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Time to work:)

I need to take a break from here... for some days conversations thru blog becomes a welcome change...but but I need to apply some cue control :) the service of completing my thesis!

Will be back after a short break, meanwhile you are invited to leave some comments, or even a friendly encouraging hello!!!
(... I see some unknown repeat visitors from... eh.. Bhopal, Indore.. & Paris :)

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Multiple truths of relationships!

My work as a psychotherapist brings me face to face with people, their inner realities, things which makes them the person they are... i find it sacred to be a part of some one's inner life, their life journeys.
In this context i was wondering about different faces of truth... it is brought out in the context of intimate relationships best.
Its rare that couples, when separating, breaking apart, in conflict... have same perception of reality. Often there is no reality but a subjective sense of hurt, pain, betrayal, crossing over of boundaries... The story of the same break-up, the same relationship, the way one looks at self-other-the whole of relationship is so different...
At times, it seems like stories of two entirely unconnected people.

But then we have to come to terms with it, our lives- as we experience is a lot about our inner going-ons, as much it is about the outside concrete world- which is built of significant people- who again are as much influenced by their inner realities, as much by outside facts, rationally!

So the process is often about understanding ones inner realities, and being aware of how they color the external world, as we see them. And then widening this understanding/ awareness... and bringing that empathy to understand other's worlds!
Well... its a long long journey... of a life time, at times!

In this process a lot of growth takes place... sometimes in a microscopic moment- growth of a life time! I witness at times, those post-traumatic growth!

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Note to myself!

Wow! I've surprised myself!!
Its been almost 4 yrs of blogging... consistently, persistently, in spite of being such a private person!! Wow!
I can sometimes surpass my expectations and cross those tempting moments when I feel like wrapping this up, erasing it all and vanishing away...
May be some day that too will happen...
Till then... happy blogging dear!

Love, Abuse & Creativity... do they go hand in hand???

There is something really intriguing about a bunch of men, sitting together, reciting self /other written poetries, for the lost lady love! Well, how romantic!!!

This is pretty common in some languages... for each language seems to wear a dress, close to its skin. This alternative skin is made up of eco-socio-political culture, which itself is influenced by many other underlying historic realities. Some times its related to many other gender dynamics.

Often these poems have that special tinge of self pity which gives them a divine glow of love. My my, I am impressed! There is an award for the most self-negating lover, in terms of public applause.
But, often the alternative stories gets drowned in this noise. For example, the poem might whisper the poets' sadness, how he looks at his hands, dejected... but might not tell how those hands were once raised to hit her... who left! Forced by the rising storm of self-hatred on ignoring ones basic values!
...left! torn! in installments! but finally! completely! liberated of all learned ideas of 'love' itself! to build a new definition of own! Remember movie 'Dev D'?

I was reminded of my differences with a friend recently, about Picasso and his abusive relationships with women in his life. Many people justify or choose to ignore such difficult aspects, especially in creative people... or even normalise it...
well how far one can stretch the creative liberties? to the lives and dignities of the closest people around? As a society we need to take a break, set our value system right, regarding 'what' is wrong, in spite of 'who'!
Go read 'Behind closed doors-domestic violence in India' By Ms. Rinki (director Bimal Roy's daughter) and director Basu Bhattacharya's ex-wife.

Any day, give me a good human being to befriend, instead of a creative genius!
I can be that myself! Thank you!!!

Friday, April 2, 2010

Rain, rain come again!!

It rained !!!
It seems like ages since it rained... feels like Bangalore!
Cool breeze, smell of nilgiris, rising from the earth carpeted with dry fallen leaves... my campus full of flowering trees. The maddening traffic just a walk away, seems unreal.

Rains have a magical way of waking people out of their enmeshment in daily grind... watching people's faces, it seems raindrops knock at the heart, forces it open, leaving a delighted smile escape to dance on the lips... arms open, palms up towards the heavens...

To me rains bring a sense of fullness, like a full circle coming to its end, or better, a home coming! There is never a neediness, never something, someone missing, but a celebration! I like it this way! Every time there is a storm, I want to go for a long walk! Well, that's eccentric me!

May be it all started in a small hilly town of my childhood, where rains will never lead to muddy puddles everywhere, like most Indian cities... well i am grateful they didn't!
I love rains!!! :)