Sunday, April 17, 2011

Ongoing narratives of life...

It sometimes gets difficult to constantly see the sacredness of life, in life... moment by moment, in every connection, every person, every event... but guess one has to keep faith high and keep investing meaning in everything. This is just non-negotiable... there is just no other option. I often feel like a defiant person against forces around me :)

But then living in a universe which is a random freak, a life by chance doesn't go along with my inherent sense of pride ? or whatever you call it.
If life has no meaning I would like to offer it back... 'stop the world, I want to get down...'. Else I feel like a poor person given something magnanimously, but undeservedly, by some outsider rich... funny!!! I remember my favourite poetess had put it so succinctly...
रहनो दो हे देव यह मेरा मर मिटने का अधिकार... (leave me this right to die for something...)

Or that utterly-average vampire series, having this attractive tag line... 'if you had forever to live, what will you live for?'. It was Freud who said, to live we need something to love and something to work for
'lieben und arbeiten'.

I have navigated and passed through the moments of crisis with a small change in my 'down in the dumps' narrative, call it CBT (cognitive behavior therapy) or whatever. I remind myself, my cultural, spiritual, religious narrative is 'I'm divine', not made out of original sin, but out of original joy! All is well in the universe!
When there is a question of an omnipotent or a compassionate God, I tend to find answers from what Indian mystic tell me... choose both and none. A God who is a multi-layered idea, form and formless, who is both passive witness to what is happening, and active dynamic all powerful force which creates and destroys, which starts and ends... a name of whatever one can imagine... energy, consciousness, space... whatever!!!
And in answer to 'how do I live'... I reach back again to this idea, live well, live with values, goodness, morality etc, but still do not carry it all over your shoulder like another weight. Go beyond all of this! One need not live with values and look for prizes and applaud in the end. This was not the promise given, I guess. That is distracting... existentially, 'authenticity' will lead to more growth.

But guess I need to accept
today I'm tired and utterly exhausted. How do I live with these answers on an every day basis, when the challenges are beyond my current capacities.
I had not felt so deprived when for years we had little for food, housing, education... not even when abandoned time and again... or in times when I remained on the fringes. I always had the idealism and there was little space and scope for cynicism. The 'elite group' look at spirituality/religion of masses, and call it opium. Often they miss out that in such circumstances this faith in inherent meaningfulness of life actually has survival value. The day I start questioning, my resilience starts crumbling.

I still want to keep my narrative elevated, inspired, believe difficult times are about higher choices, may be they are here to finally teach me 'equanimity'... Let me crawl back in my silent space ... the luminous one ... just to 'be'!

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