Sunday, December 3, 2017

A few quotes from Life of Pi!

Life of Pi
          This is one of my favourite movies... I prefer it above the original novel, since the book in places gets boring describing the details of survival at the sea. I came across some lovely quotes with beautiful background from the movie, on pin interest & google images...

For many years this quote seemed so personal ... though now it doesn't seem to be so, both, because I have learned the art of one sided closure to unsaid goodbye's and move on, and also because a lot of people have come back to offer their pending good byes wrapped in apologies.
But now, I have to help others suffering with such 'unfinished business' to give a closure. So it still remains important.

A lot of people keep missing their 'not so loving, loved ones' ...

 ... though some relationships make us less complete, more wounded, than we were in the first place... they change us forever, in not very nice ways ... for 'hurt people, hurt people! :(


And many people find their ultimate source of strength to bounce back in a deep subjective spirituality... even after personal struggles with their own image of God, s/he/it is the one presence supporting all, at all times.

(For some more background, check out this article)

Grief ... process!

Last few months I have come across so many people struggling with grief,  for losses which sometimes were as permanent as caused by death of a loved one (in my own sessions, or that of my students). Many times there were a series of losses. And if you look deeply, even death, not just represents loss of a person in physical body, but also intangible losses... of love, a special connection, a sense of meaning in life ... etc

People differ in how they move on in their lives, how they hold back the emotions left behind and invest it in something else, something new. They also differ in terms of continuing relationship with the loved one, in their heart. The process is very individual. 
It sometimes looks as if the loss of most ideal relationships are the hardest... I had people grieving for their ideal spouse, ideal mother, ideal father. But, I also noticed that these were people who were solely dependent on this one relationship for meeting all their emotional and psychological needs. 

We often live with the myth of ideal relationships, when they do not meet our needs we remain unhappy. When they meet all our needs, we either get bored, or too dependent and later struggle when these relationships get over. 
So in the end... all paths seems to be leading to suffering... isn't it?

What is the solution? Stop loving? 

Or love, inspite of time and space?

Wednesday, September 20, 2017

If & When you come ... or shall I let it go...

Suddenly remembered an old post with this beautiful poem of Maya Angelou ...

When You Come

When you come to me, unbidden,

Beckoning me
To long ago rooms, 
Where memories lie. 

Offering me, as to a child, an attic,
Gatherings of days too few.
Baubles of stolen kisses.
Trinkets of borrowed loves.
Trunks of secret words,



Came across another similarly beautiful poem by Audre Lorde ... 

If You Come Softly

If you come as
As the wind within
the trees
You may hear what
I hear
See what sorrow

If you come as
As threading dew
I will take you gladly
Nor ask more of 

You may sit beside
Silent as a breath
Only those who stay
Shall remember 

And if you come I
will be silent
Nor speak harsh
words to you.
I will not ask you
why now.
Or how, or what you

We shall sit here,
Beneath two
different years
And the rich
between us
Shall drink our


And then I found this one from EE Cummings...  as I work on a similarly themed research presentation ... so apt! :)

Let It Go

let it go - the
smashed word broken
open vow or
the oath cracked length
wise-let it go it
was sworn to

let them go - the
truthful liars and
the false fair friends
and the boths and 
neithers - you must let them go they
were born
to go

let all go - the
big small middling
tall bigger really
the biggest and all
things-let all go

so comes love

Thursday, September 7, 2017

How NOT to visit an Ex !

We used to think, since people can be self-absorbed, its ok to excuse them once in a while. But being so is becoming humanity's second nature in today's world, for our limited attention is demanded in so many directions that we live a thinly spread life. Never being able to be fully present in this place, this moment, we leave a trail of destruction, almost like a speeding Tesla car on Mumbai's footpath, midnight.

I see this aftermath in the emotional lives of people who turn up on therapy couch, especially in the context of relationships and break ups. They experience fast intimacy, and faster break-ups. Since everyone's speed is different, often these are not conveniently timed and mutual, but a lot are about needs of one person, and their speed and time to reach that decision. This itself is hard on the other, who is left to mop up the broken pieces of once 'privileged connection' with the help of family, friends and therapist.

Then there are those where the 'one' who broke up initially reaches out to the 'other' for apologies, probably partially driven by an effort to lull the occasional pangs of guilt and pacify the God of 'karma'. Or too many people seems to have been influenced by the movie 'Bachna Ae Haseeno'.

Whatever the combination of reasons, in this self-absorbed world, many people forget that they need to show some extra graciousness, for they are no longer within the sacred, though informal space of an intimate relationship. Else it may lead to a second scarring...

I wonder if some of the readers here too are thinking of stalking their 'ex' on social media or reaching out with a personal email, phone call or visit? Let's entertain this idea a little more and see where it may lead to ... when one day you decide to reach out to your ex.
You may write a long, moving and beautiful letter, apologising and explaining your past behaviour, when you might have unilaterally and suddenly broken up or type a short message asking for a meeting and click 'send' before your better judgement or/and fears of current partner holds you back.

What 'if' there is absolute silence... then you may wonder if it was a good idea after all, or whether there was nothing on the other end and it was all a narcissistic projection.
What 'if' there is a stinging response in return, telling you 'good riddance' or an insight that you were never too important after all.
What 'if' there is really a positive response... probably even openness to a meeting. Now you will have to ask yourself, do you really want to visit, apologise or show some appreciation and gratitude for the old connection. Why? What is your real motive? Probably your past behaviour left the other person feeling diminished and devastated... you don't want to have the same effect again? No?

I have come across some clients, whose recovery and healing was hampered by such contacts and/or visits, especially if it was not done well, with honor and goodwill. So, think again ...

If you really want to live a whole and connected life ... if it is an important life task for you to leave the world a little better ... if you are willing to make the effort and take the risks ... and most important, you feel it would really be healing for the other person, then go ahead and meet.
But then keep a thumb rule, be kind, be honest, be gentle, be patient!

Be prepared, the visit might lead to some good and not so good moments and feelings. There may be unresolved wounds, the visit may lead to a sense of deja vu, almost like walking back on the same trail ... there may be mixed emotions, anxiety, guilt, restlessness, discomfort, original confusion, trying to make sense of all that happened ... may be one or both of you end up wondering 'what if' ... be patient.

Just give a little time and space for this psychological journey, keep hope it will clear up. Probably it is worth it, for there must be a deeper reason why you wish to revisit ... probably you can renew a friendship worth maintaining... be kind to yourself and the other person. Even when it went really bad, stay with the moment, you got a chance to heal and help other heal, chance to forgiveness, can you offer some patience?

However, if you are running low on these inner resources, it would then be an act of kindness, 'Do NOT Visit your Ex!'

Monday, May 15, 2017

Fly my dear friend!

Then, your spirit
Defiant of being boxed
Within your body,
Sprouted wings,
Soared unrestricted.
When to others
Walking was within reach,
Running, in imagination,
You informed
Flying was possible.
Now, O Angel,
Your wings look
You have been

Saturday, May 6, 2017

Distant and near ones

The stars studded galaxies, of this expansive universe,
I look at them and search for my home amongst them.
While my bed is spread in the next room.

Love, lost and found!

At the corner, of the street, in the heart
Of the city, I lost you, and found.
Do you still belong to me!

Sunday, March 19, 2017

My mind!

A string from here, a twig from there
My mind
Like a squirrel's nest.

Pic source @ google images

Witness to our Suffering ...

I am thinking ... she is so much like me, I am on the other side of the table, being the therapist, and still see my reflection in her. She is grieving about roads not travelled, and the thorns in the current one, she rages against the cards given to her by life and hurts herself in the process...

But then I met 4 of them yesterday, and by the end of it all, they merged into a common subjectivity of suffering and their desire to end it all with death. Sometimes our stacked up grief from ages gone by, overflows, a little nudge, a little push and the glass walls holding it together, cracks ...

What I offered them was attention and a witness to their suffering. Something about having this witness is so healing... behind all this relaxing of body, harmonising breath, calming emotions, restructuring thoughts, finding support and discovering meaning... there is presence of a witness consciousness.

I often wish such a luxury for myself too :D